Santa Claus

December 2011

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Cartoon by Gymglish

Identity

Santa Claus is the world's most wanted criminal.

Physical description: A corpulent white man with a large white beard. Wears a red and white costume. Known to carry “presents” in a large sack at all times. Possibly armed and dangerous.

Crimes and Misdemeanors

Worker Exploitation: Santa routinely forces elves to fabricate toys in a sweatshop in the North Pole.

Animal Cruelty: Santa is transported through the sky by magical caribou (reindeer), who receive no compensation for their labor.

Home Invasion: Santa is responsible for more than 3 billion home invasions per year.

Modus Operandi

- Santa Claus is most active during the Christmas season.

- Repeats nonsensical catchphrase 'Ho Ho Ho' constantly, leading to speculation that Santa is insane.

If you encounter Santa Claus

Call animal control. Santa has a team of reindeer on your roof, probably with rabies.

Congratulate yourself. Share a high five with someone you love. Santa is rarer than the Yeti, Bigfoot and UFOs combined!

Have yourself a Merry Christmas!

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